


do it a thousand times (just let me close to you)

by boyfriem



Series: given ficlets to be sad to [2]
Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: (but a little bit to the left), Autistic Mafuyu, Drabble, Ficlet, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:00:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24860443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyfriem/pseuds/boyfriem
Summary: on sensory overload, and things not being the way they should be.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Series: given ficlets to be sad to [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1798693
Comments: 3
Kudos: 97





	do it a thousand times (just let me close to you)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from wolfcat by still woozy

Mafuyu is sitting in the stairwell, and everything is so bright, and he can hear his classmates playing basketball in the gym, and he clutches his guitar tighter. He wants Yuki here, and that is an unreasonable want, he knows, but that doesn’t mean he wants it any less. He wants to bury his face in the crook of Yuki’s neck and he wants to be held and he wants to have someone here with him who will make the world quieter, if only for a moment. And he knows it is unfair of him to want it. Unfair to expect that there will be someone who  _ knows  _ him, who knows what he needs without him having to talk, who understands him even when he doesn’t understand himself. 

He doesn’t know why he feels like crying, but he knows that he does, and he knows that Yuki would know. 

He can feel everything. When he brushes his fingertips against the knuckles of his other hand, it  _ hurts _ . Burns like electricity, like a static shock forcing him away. He’s squeezing his eyes shut but the lights are still too bright. Everything is just so  _ much _ . 

He would like to be able to understand himself. He would like for other people to be able to understand him. 

The stairwell door creaks open, and the sound of basketballs hitting the floor and boys shouting at each other is unbearable, and then the door slams closed and there’s a bit of space between him and everything else again and he hears Uenoyama say, “There you are.” 

It hurts to look at him under these bright lights, but Mafuyu tries anyways. Uenoyama’s brow is furrowed in concern, he holds out a yakisoba bun, an offering. 

“I was looking for you,” he says. “You ran out of class so fast I didn’t even see you leave.” He walks over. The act of forming words feels tremendous right now, but Mafuyu scoots over to let him sit down; hopefully, that is enough. 

He takes the bread. The way the plastic crinkles as he opens the package hurts his ears, and he doesn’t think he can bear to eat it, but Uenoyama is looking increasingly worried, so he takes a small bite. He can’t taste it. 

“Are you okay?” Uenoyama asks. 

Mafuyu nods, slowly. It’s the most he can do. 

“Mafuyu. Are you mad at me? Say something.” 

He shakes his head. “I-” his voice catches in his throat. He has no idea what he was trying to say, no idea where he would even start to find words if he could speak them. “It’s… hard.” 

“Did I do something wrong?” Uenoyama asks. The way he’s speaking, quiet, patient, gentle, Mafuyu hates it. He hates being talked down to. He doesn’t want to be treated like a child, even though he knows he’s acting like one. 

He wants Yuki, and he knows, even more than usual, how selfish that is of him, how especially childish, to have Uenoyama here, to have the boy he loves here, and still want more. 

Mafuyu shakes his head, and he hates himself for not being able to explain, and he hates having to explain at all. 

He was lucky, so incredibly lucky, to be able to forget what it is not to be understood. 

He leans against Uenoyama’s shoulder, buries his face in his chest, and he doesn’t smell like Yuki, and Mafuyu doesn’t know why he would expect him to, and he wants to be able to move on, but he can’t, he  _ can’t _ . 

But Ueonoyama, though he seems surprised, though he has no reason to do this, wraps his arms around Mafuyu and holds him close, and there is no sound and there is no light and Mafuyu is safe. 

He is not understood, but he is loved. And Uenoyama will learn. Yuki had to learn, and Uenoyama is no different. Mafuyu is learning things, too. 

Things are different, but the world is quiet, and he is okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this fic consider following me on tumblr @boyfriem or twitter @chainsawmen


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